In Mexican culture, when cooking , there is a tool we use called a molcajete. It’s kind of like a bowl on three legs made of lava rock. Before you really start using it you have to get it ready. First you have to grind rice into it to get out the grittiness, then you have to grind your spices into it and it will hold its flavor and that flavor will seep into everything that gets put into it from that time on. It will also soak up flavors as they are added and ground into it. It makes the most delectable salsa. My grandma had one, my mom has one, I have one. They seem to be just regular kitchen things but each one holds a story, a flavor.
I don’t know much of my mom’s story…I know she spent most of her childhood living with her grandparents. She has a lot of brothers and sisters and loves every single one of them very deeply. And i know how her story interlaces with my own. I am the second of 4 children. The first girl though. My mom was married when she had me, and I came to her when she was 17 years old.
I cannot imagine what that was like for her. I think back to when I was 17 and can barely remember it. I have a 15 year old daughter of my own and can’t even imagine her in a relationship let alone ready to get married. Even though those were “different days” I think I was so lucky to have a young mom. My mom was always the prettiest. She was always the most fashionable. She was always energetic. And always so creative. I am so blessed that she poured these things into me as well.
But I would imagine being a teenage mom is a really hard thing. She had to drop out of high school to take care of her two children and her husband was only 19 years old and worked hard all the time to support this young family. I didn’t think about it until I got older but I bet she got a lot of stares, heard a lot of whispers behind her back, saw people nudge each other and then throw a look her way. The condescending tsk tsk sounds. What she went through I can’t imagine. But because of it I have inherited a strength that I cannot explain. I walk with a certain dignity, like my mom, where my life from the outside may not look “perfect “according to standards set by people, but I am proud of the family I have and will not let people or circumstance cause me to see shame in myself, rathe,r I let God be glorified through the life I live no matter the circumstance I am put into. It’s not by strength of my own. It was soaked into me. seasoned into the fiber of my being, all because of what my mom was willing to face and overcome. Because of irritants being ground from and spice ground into her. I am one who carries the flavor. The seasoning. There are no words to thank her for what she went through to make me who I am but God knows and dances over her with love and excitement at the job she is doing.
Now me being a bit “spicy” I was not the best teenager in the world. I was hardly a “good” one. I snuck out regularly, got involved in things I should have known better than to have, and was just a rebellious brat. My grandma Terri died when I was really young and so my mom had no help from her in my upbringing. I am positive that that was an extremely hard thing because I lean on my mom all the time. I am sure that in those years my poor mom wanted to throw her hands up…and then smack me with them hahaha… but instead I imagine she folded them and prayed. Much like Mary in the bible heard all the things spoken about her son Jesus and held them in her heart. I imagine my mom had thoughts of who she knew I could be, and held them in her heart.
In a molcajete, the longer something sits in it, the more flavors it is able to absorb. My mom must have held her thoughts of me in her heart for a long time because I have absorbed so much of her qualities, her love for books and all things creative, her love for music and all things that set a soul to dance, and faith in God, that nothing is impossible for Him.
I think people are hardest on moms. No other people group get so judged by what they do, don’t do, when they do or don’t do, how they live, dress, speak, feed their babies, dress their babies,. I mean really… think of it. You see a kid running down the street with a booger face. The first thing you think is “Where is your mom and why did she let you out of the house like that?” and it’s not in a nice way, like, is she feeling ok? Is something wrong? Does she need help? No. It’s more like, EW! What a terrible mother you must have! So I am going to list all of the things my mom is to me (none of which she was specially trained for) My mom was my cheerleader, chef, warden, bank, doctor, teacher, motivational speaker, bus driver, psychologist, rescuer, and so much more. She showed me how to love like Jesus loves.
I mentioned earlier that my mom had to drop out of high school to take care of her family. My mom went back years later and finished. She graduated valedictorian. I don’t remember how old I was at the time. I think about 8 maybe 9 but I remember being so filled with pride watching my own mama make a speech in front of all of her school teachers and friends and getting the thing which she studied so hard for. My mom worked outside of the home for as far back as I can remember. Then she came home and worked inside the home. She had no time to herself. But she savored every second she had with us while we were growing up. I learned then that i would have to work hard to reach my goals. Even though time may not always be on my side, God is and I can overcome and shine just like she did on that day.
Just like a molcajete a mom has to be a rock on the outside, and a vessel on the inside. Ready for and hits coming from the outside and whatever it is she must carry and flavor. When you make a salsa in a molcajete you can give away your recipe to whoever wants it but they can never reproduce the taste that came out. They didn’t have a seasoned vessel to cook it in. That is pretty apparent if you have ever met my sister and brothers. We are successful. We are Strong. We are stubborn in a good way. We are fun. We are funny. We don’t get pushed around. There is nothing in the world more important to us than family. There is no one like us in the whole world. If there was we wouldn’t need an Olympics cause everyone would have a gold medal ( they will know what that means). Mothers Day has just passed and my moms birthday is today. I honor, thank, Love, my mom for the seasonings she had to endure. For staying strong on the outside to be able to flavor and carry what was on the inside. I am proud and humbled that I had her to show me how to be a woman and a mother. I am blessed that my kids have the best grandmother and that her strength, love, and seasoning, is in them just as it is in me.
Mom, I hope your birthday is the best ever. I wish I could be there to celebrate it with you all. I will see you soon. I love you
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Come out Come out wherever you are and meet the young lady who fell from a star
-Glinda
One of my all-time favorite scenes in movie History is the scene in the wizard of Oz where Dorothy Gale exits the farm home and enters into this strange new land called Oz. It wasn’t necessarily the storyline of the movie that burned this scene into my childlike world. But it was the transition from black and white into a world full of beautiful color. Bright color. Bold Color. Color that had never before been seen by little Dorothy. She, along with her audience, realized that “Toto, we aren’t in Kansas anymore”.
Ladies can I just be honest with you here? How many of you have felt like pre-Oz Dorothy. There is a life there sure. But, it’s one in black and white, in gray scale, being shadowed by something or someone more important than you. Have you ladies ever felt like you've been living in the shadow of your husband? *gasp*!!! OMG Did she just really SAY that? OUT LOUD?!?!?! Yes I did. Let’s get it all out there. And let’s be honest. I have had several chats with some wonderful young ladies whose husbands are VERY involved in ministry. Their heart cry, or maybe sob, is that “I just want to know that I matter too, that I also have a place, not just his place but a place God has called me to. Does my life make any sort of difference, or do I just matter because I take care of things so my husband can do all the work? Is there a calling for me? Do I actually have a name or do I solely exist as (Insert husband’s name here) wife? ” It is with the line from the wizard of Oz that I invite you to peek out from the shadows
You know what I hate? I hate…no despise…no LOATHE? It’s those little voices that tell us how we “should be” feeing or what we, as good Christian women “should be” thinking, even going as far as telling us what we “should” look like. REALLY??!! How often do those voices beat us up and make us feel guilty and submit us into silence. Stealing what we love about our life. Killing all the vibrancies from our personality. Taking all the beauty that is inside and outside of us, and pounding us with it. The bible does mention someone who came to steal kill and destroy and guess what? It wasn’t God.
I remember a time when my husband first started in youth ministry. We were young and I was young in Christ and learning new things all the time. It was so exciting! I had such character and flare. One of my good friends even nicknamed me “da fizz” she said my personality was fizzy. My personality being just as bright and just as colorful as all the colors I put in my hair and wore in my clothes. Well, intro into ministry, you do have to get used to people looking at you. One well-meaning lady approached me and told me if I kept looking the way I did that I was going to ruin my husband’s ministry. Being young in the Lord I had no idea this was a lie. Knowing what I know now I would simply tell her it wasn’t my husband’s ministry it was Gods and if he wanted me to change He would tell me. Instead I believed the lie and I was crushed. I would have to give up the fun of wild style? Of wonderful colors in my hair?? I know it sounds petty when said like that, and, that is what I thought, but the reality was I would have to stop the celebration of my personality and vibrancy because that would ruin the ministry? Do you see how ridiculous it sounds? But I believed it and so there went a piece of what made me, me. I had given up a part of myself in order to move my husband forward. That is the way it “should be” right? Serving his needs ahead of my own? I was so dejected I never voiced my passion for fun and self-expression. I simply stayed quiet and let my fizz die. That sure did a number on my marriage. Little did I know that part of that “fun-ness” was what drew my husband to me in the first place. He had never known a person who shined like I did. When I let that go I hurt us both.
I gave up a piece of me. A creative sparky piece that God himself designed. I thought I was doing it so that this ministry could be successful. I thought I was doing it to become more of what I “should be” to become more of what God wanted from me. But while I let my fun go, I also let my opinions, and thoughts and all other things inside of me go until I became an empty shell of a person. In that emptiness I started to point fingers and blame. The person I blamed is the very one whom God had sent me to love. I blamed my own husband until I became trapped in a cage of my own resentment.
It was years later when I realized the person God called me to be, the one Jesus died for, was the very one I had buried. It was after years of seeking out Gods heart that I realized, He isn’t a God of “should” he is a God of “AM” He loves me as I AM, He created me as I AM and He will lead me where I AM to go. Since God is also a God of miracles, He cut through fear, He cut through bondage and he gave resurrection life to “the fizz” inside of me again. Ladies, please don’t waste any more moments on this than you have to. God LOVES you just as you are! All the beauty, all the style, all the creativity, all the everything!
I have a friend who has been such a support to her husband. From the outside they seemed to be the completely in sync. I met with her one day and she shared that the things that she is teaming up with him on are all “his” things. She didn’t find joy in them because they weren’t her passions they were his. She really felt almost invisible, but, she goes in support of him. She had made a decision to step back from these things because going was becoming painful. She felt useless and lifeless and when she thought about it the scripture in Col would come up about working unto the Lord. She said she would settle in her heart that she was serving as unto the Lord but everytime she left she felt abused and couldn’t understand why and she was unable to work as unto the Lord. She felt like a failure. Praise God for sending us Holy Spirit to talk to! Through His guidance I asked my friend, well what is it that you are passionate about? What do you love? When asking this you have to understand that this is a very intimate question? You are asking a hurting person to reveal what they are most afraid of. You are also asking them to reveal what the devil himself is most afraid of, Christ in them. Her heart was creativity. She used to love making jewelry and house decorations. She was good at it too. The look that came over her face as she shared about the many things she made was beautiful. There was a freedom there in just thinking about it. She hadn’t even thought about it for a long time with the kids and family filling her schedule she just didn’t have the time. So i asked her then if she had tried to talk with her husband about this? She said she had, but she just gets so angry that they end up fighting about it and nothing gets resolved which is part of what is driving her to step back.( do you see the cage building here?) With some more talking and sharing she had decided to step back from a few of the things she was involved in and in the time she normally spent doing “his” things she was going to try to be creative. She was going to craft some things and put them up in her house. The first couple of weeks were tough because she missed the people but she would play some music and craft and just have the most wonderful talks with the Lord. She realized in this time, that verse that had been haunting her, Col 3:23 that when she was doing the ministry work she was working really to gain the attention and love of her husband. She was working unto man. She did all the right things but for all the wrong reasons. In her crafting time she was setting her spirit free to commune with the Lord and working unto Him. This is what gave her pleasure, passion, hope. Not just the creating but the time with God where he was working with and through her. She had made herself available to the Lord to be worked with as he works with her. She realized that God really DOES know her. When she realized this she was able to talk with her husband without being angry. He supports her gifting and even went to the store to get her surprise supplies!
One more topic I want to talk about. If you have a husband in ministry you have experienced it. No matter where you are, in church or out, You are always introduced as so-n-so’s wife. I guess it really wouldn’t be such a bother if every other wife were introduced the same way. But, sadly, no. You have no name. Only the title of (_)’s wife. I know some of you are probably giggling as you read this at the truth of it but also sighing at the pain. To anyone who has not experienced it, this may sound like a petty thing. IT IS NOT! Ladies (_)’s wife. You have identity! You have a name. When God knit you together in your mothers womb he did it with purpose and that purpose was you. I encourage you to take up your identity! Go sit on your husbands lap and tell him you are so proud to be his wife. So blessed to be (insert first and last name)! See? You had something to insert. You do have an identity and God and your husband both know it. Your husband may be the one who really sees who you are closest to what God sees. Why? Because, he has never looked at you in his shadow. He has only looked at you in the radiant light of God. He sees what God is showcasing in you. Now go sit on his lap and give him a big fat kiss!
Rev 2:4-5 4 Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love. 5 Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do the first works, or else I will come to you quickly and remove your lampstand from its place—unless you repent.
The Church in Ephisus was very careful to keep itself from false teachers but in their passion for truth, they lost their love for Christ. So they did the right things for the right reasons…but their heart was all wrong.
Ladies this is where we are deceived, but no longer…we have done all the right things for all the right reasons. We have faithfully followed our husbands to meetings, conferences, retreats, you name it, and have hidden in the shadow while he is on display. We have built up walls of resentment toward him because we lost our identity. We did all the things that showed we loved our husbands except actually showed love to our husbands. Wrong heart.
Your husband is NOT your enemy. He is your ally and you, strong woman of God ,are his. The Devil would have you hide because if you are hidden you cannot truly be united. And if you are caged you have no power. He knows the danger of a man and woman who’s hearts are united with the Lord. This doesn’t mean that you have to do everything your husband does if your heart does not burn with the same passion in that area. Give your husband time to take part in his gifting, pray for him, Love him, take genuine interest, but also climb out of the shadows and take some time for you to do what you are passionate about. Invite your husband to take part or to see what it is you do, invite his encouragement. Sharing your gift does not mean you have to have the same gift. It simply is celebrating all that God has made you, and all that God has made him. It is in this that our lamps will shine.
Ladies we have fallen so far back. God knows you. He LOVES you. He has put passions and giftings and callings in each and every one of you. Our world is not meant to be only black and white but a myriad of beautiful, in wonderful arrays of light. Let us escape our self made cages of resentment and remember our first love. We can celebrate our husbands giftings AND celebrate our own. There is a reason God united us to our husbands in the first place. Our giftings compliment each other. Our giftings strengthen each other. Our giftings wrap around and protect each other. Our giftings shine out our personalities. The unified and united us. Our giftings together take us from the farmhouse and put us into a brave, bold new world.
“Come out Come out wherever you are and meet the young lady who fell from a star”
-Glinda
Saturday, October 15, 2011
My Grandma
What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories. ~George Eliot
I got word the other night that My Grandma was in the hospital. She had fluid in her lungs and could only use 8%, and there were problems with her kidneys. She would need dialysis (for which she was refusing) and if stayed on the course she was on would be given about 2 weeks of life left. How can so many cold sounding facts make a heart drop so quickly? They sound so numb but they hold so much weight.
My grandma. She is all the wonderfulness that encompasses the word Grandma. Like music. Not just a song but a song accompanied by a symphony. The sweet, the playful, the big builds and soft controlled hush. That is her. Or at least that is her in my life.
My grandma. Granny Goose, Gram Cracker. The one who loves peaches from a can mixed with popcorn for desert, who would have strawberry ice cream with me (we both love strawberry ice cream). She shakes hands with every penny slot she meets. She smiles often. She is every ones biggest fan. Even if you cut her off in traffic she would let you know that you were #1 in her book hahaha. That is her.
The very fabric of my being is woven with threads of memories with her, long talks, lots of laughs, listening to stories of her life and her experiences, laughing at how my grandpa proposed, rides to school that went warp speed with a Hawaiian salute out the window, talking together about her living in the chicken coop, singing the jump on the bed song to all of us, rag curls in the girls hair, putting on shows in the basement that the adults would have to pay a nickel to get into. The house on 17th, all grandmas fight stories…what a tough little thing.
To hear about this sickness dropped a pile of lead into my heart. It’s easy to forget that grandparents are people to. And that people are strong in spirit but the body can be frail.
My grandma is a trooper and after speaking with her today, she sounds great, it put my heart at ease that she wasn’t in any pain and was laughing with me on the phone. I am proud of my grandma. I am blessed that I have her, that I have wonderful memories with her and my children have wonderful memories with her as well. My grandma has lived through many generations. She has seen a lot and experienced life. Not just survival…but life. I hope that by the time I am her age I will have as many wonderful stories and will have imparted so many wonderful things into my children and grandchildren as my grandma has with us.
I got word the other night that My Grandma was in the hospital. She had fluid in her lungs and could only use 8%, and there were problems with her kidneys. She would need dialysis (for which she was refusing) and if stayed on the course she was on would be given about 2 weeks of life left. How can so many cold sounding facts make a heart drop so quickly? They sound so numb but they hold so much weight.
My grandma. She is all the wonderfulness that encompasses the word Grandma. Like music. Not just a song but a song accompanied by a symphony. The sweet, the playful, the big builds and soft controlled hush. That is her. Or at least that is her in my life.
My grandma. Granny Goose, Gram Cracker. The one who loves peaches from a can mixed with popcorn for desert, who would have strawberry ice cream with me (we both love strawberry ice cream). She shakes hands with every penny slot she meets. She smiles often. She is every ones biggest fan. Even if you cut her off in traffic she would let you know that you were #1 in her book hahaha. That is her.
The very fabric of my being is woven with threads of memories with her, long talks, lots of laughs, listening to stories of her life and her experiences, laughing at how my grandpa proposed, rides to school that went warp speed with a Hawaiian salute out the window, talking together about her living in the chicken coop, singing the jump on the bed song to all of us, rag curls in the girls hair, putting on shows in the basement that the adults would have to pay a nickel to get into. The house on 17th, all grandmas fight stories…what a tough little thing.
To hear about this sickness dropped a pile of lead into my heart. It’s easy to forget that grandparents are people to. And that people are strong in spirit but the body can be frail.
My grandma is a trooper and after speaking with her today, she sounds great, it put my heart at ease that she wasn’t in any pain and was laughing with me on the phone. I am proud of my grandma. I am blessed that I have her, that I have wonderful memories with her and my children have wonderful memories with her as well. My grandma has lived through many generations. She has seen a lot and experienced life. Not just survival…but life. I hope that by the time I am her age I will have as many wonderful stories and will have imparted so many wonderful things into my children and grandchildren as my grandma has with us.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Pastor Rant = Pants
OK so you know what bums me out? When people don’t go to church on Sundays. Not because of the I have to go check my church card, or cause of the tithe bucket even because it is the right thing to do and God says go…I am being purely selfish here… It bums me out, like really bums me out, when people don’t come to church because I miss seeing them.
I know, I know, that is not very “holy” of me but I told you I was being selfish. You see, I take calls during the week, I go out and meet with people, I offer all of myself in ministering, and Sunday service is when I am ministered to. When I am in worship with my friends it ministers to my heart. When God delivers a message to His hungry kids I am blessed. When I am in an environment that is hungry for the presence of God, not just the “i showed up and punched my card,” but hungry for His presence and tuning our ears to heaven because at any time we know He is going to part the skies and sing over us, like audibly sing! It ministers to me in a way that I can’t explain. I know I am supposed to be ministering to God here and I am. There is just something about connecting to God with my friends around me connecting to the same God that fills me up. That is precious to me. It encourages me that maybe I do have a place in this world and it is with these people. When my friends don’t go I feel shunned from them. It speaks the opposite to me. I don’t have a place in this world and definitely not here.
I know that people are out of town on vacation and stuff like that but when you don’t come because you would rather… fill in the blank. Fish, hike, camp, swim, sit at home and watch TV, stuff you could do ANY other time, whatever, It hurts my feelings. I take it personally. Aside from weekly meetings, counseling, praying for people and all of that I am searching the heart of the father on your behalf looking for a word for you, looking for a blessing for you, or an encouragement or exhortation. Something to inspire and bless your week and give you courage to go out and face what lies ahead. Not only am I doing that for you because I love you. You expect me to do that. So even if you don’t show up for Sundays date with the father I am still expected to be there. I am expected to lay everything down and minister and don’t get me wrong I LOVE what I do, but I would really appreciate that when I need ministering to people would show up. When I need encouragement someone would be there to hold my hand. Like I said purely selfish I know but these are my pants.
While I am here pantsing myself, I also don’t like that Church, that is meeting with the body of believers that God placed me in to worship with and glorify Him with and welcome His presence with and minister to Him with, seems to be a recreational activity to some. I mean really, How would you like it if you had something and needed Gods help and he says “ya know what, I know you want me to minister to you but I would rather go camping instead. What…? This is a life or death situation… oh sorry I’m fishing that weekend and I need some me time. No…I don’t really feel like going to the place you called me to so I can meet with and minister to you today. It’s a holiday, maybe next week.” Or “I know I really need to get back to ministering to you but summer is only so long. I know it’s only a couple of hours on one day out of 7, but when I get to the heart of it you just aren’t my priority.”
God doesn’t turn His back on us maybe I am just feeling some of His hurt so He has someone to hurt with. I don’t know. We ALL have a job in church. Minister to the heart of the father. If you don’t go then we aren’t doing a good job at it and I want to give God the best. I give Him MY best but I want to offer Him THE best and I can’t do it on my own. Ugh! I want to see you there so that when I am having a crappy week your presence, and your smile, and your faith lifts me up and I am encouraged once again by whom God sends and we can minister to Him together. So I have two choices. Stay hurtable and honest, or close off my heart to everyone and become a solo island. I will stay hurtable and probably even stay hurt. I will continue to love people, even when i feel let down. I don’t want my heart to callous to the tenderness of Gods touch and I don’t ever want to be deaf to hearing Him sing over me, audibly sing, even if I am the only one.
I know, I know, that is not very “holy” of me but I told you I was being selfish. You see, I take calls during the week, I go out and meet with people, I offer all of myself in ministering, and Sunday service is when I am ministered to. When I am in worship with my friends it ministers to my heart. When God delivers a message to His hungry kids I am blessed. When I am in an environment that is hungry for the presence of God, not just the “i showed up and punched my card,” but hungry for His presence and tuning our ears to heaven because at any time we know He is going to part the skies and sing over us, like audibly sing! It ministers to me in a way that I can’t explain. I know I am supposed to be ministering to God here and I am. There is just something about connecting to God with my friends around me connecting to the same God that fills me up. That is precious to me. It encourages me that maybe I do have a place in this world and it is with these people. When my friends don’t go I feel shunned from them. It speaks the opposite to me. I don’t have a place in this world and definitely not here.
I know that people are out of town on vacation and stuff like that but when you don’t come because you would rather… fill in the blank. Fish, hike, camp, swim, sit at home and watch TV, stuff you could do ANY other time, whatever, It hurts my feelings. I take it personally. Aside from weekly meetings, counseling, praying for people and all of that I am searching the heart of the father on your behalf looking for a word for you, looking for a blessing for you, or an encouragement or exhortation. Something to inspire and bless your week and give you courage to go out and face what lies ahead. Not only am I doing that for you because I love you. You expect me to do that. So even if you don’t show up for Sundays date with the father I am still expected to be there. I am expected to lay everything down and minister and don’t get me wrong I LOVE what I do, but I would really appreciate that when I need ministering to people would show up. When I need encouragement someone would be there to hold my hand. Like I said purely selfish I know but these are my pants.
While I am here pantsing myself, I also don’t like that Church, that is meeting with the body of believers that God placed me in to worship with and glorify Him with and welcome His presence with and minister to Him with, seems to be a recreational activity to some. I mean really, How would you like it if you had something and needed Gods help and he says “ya know what, I know you want me to minister to you but I would rather go camping instead. What…? This is a life or death situation… oh sorry I’m fishing that weekend and I need some me time. No…I don’t really feel like going to the place you called me to so I can meet with and minister to you today. It’s a holiday, maybe next week.” Or “I know I really need to get back to ministering to you but summer is only so long. I know it’s only a couple of hours on one day out of 7, but when I get to the heart of it you just aren’t my priority.”
God doesn’t turn His back on us maybe I am just feeling some of His hurt so He has someone to hurt with. I don’t know. We ALL have a job in church. Minister to the heart of the father. If you don’t go then we aren’t doing a good job at it and I want to give God the best. I give Him MY best but I want to offer Him THE best and I can’t do it on my own. Ugh! I want to see you there so that when I am having a crappy week your presence, and your smile, and your faith lifts me up and I am encouraged once again by whom God sends and we can minister to Him together. So I have two choices. Stay hurtable and honest, or close off my heart to everyone and become a solo island. I will stay hurtable and probably even stay hurt. I will continue to love people, even when i feel let down. I don’t want my heart to callous to the tenderness of Gods touch and I don’t ever want to be deaf to hearing Him sing over me, audibly sing, even if I am the only one.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Exposed
My Move Story
My Husband, before we moved, was the youth pastor at a church in CO. My husband LOVES the Lord. I mean LOVES!!! With everything he is and has, he loves God. When he first was asked to serve as the youth pastor we were SO excited. He knew his calling was to be in ministry and finally a door opened up.
Ok now fast forward 5 years later. When a person in the family is in ministry, it is expected that the whole family get in ministry. That is NOT the way it has to be…we didn’t know that then. Not only was my husband working normal office hours, but being a youth pastor I don’t think that senior leadership realized that youth pastoring happens outside of “normal” office hours because youth has school. Pile on top of that a man’s own family, and then on top of that, required after hour prayer meetings, required after hour conferences, evangelism outreaches that he was to be in charge of (after hours of course), required after hour…well you get the point. Not a lot of time left for those at home. Being a Pastor is hard.
So being a Pastors wife isn’t always the easiest thing in the world either. I’m just going to be real honest here because I can, and those of you that are Pastors wives or PK’s know what I mean. It’s not the fault of the Pastor. God called them into this type of work, ministry. But there are those people who watch with judgmental eyes waiting for you to mess up. Those with the “well because you are a pastors wife you should…” Man I would really like to tell them what they could do with their “should”, but being a Christian woman I will hold my tongue and lift it up in prayer :). Who are they to judge or tell me what I “should” Look like, speak like, dress like, act like, give me a freakin break! That is called false obligation and you do NOT have to live up to that, or even try to. Ok done with that rant for now.
I have heard it said that the more a man is involved in ministry, the more the woman disappears. Now that is not true in EVERY ministry for sure, but in this one it is, or was I should say, I wouldn’t know now. But that was my experience. So, because the job required so much of my husband and because I am a good wife and backed up my husband, I was working a full time job, and I was working a full time “volunteer job”, and I was a wife, and a mom. Whew! now that is a lot to handle. Not only that, but because of the job requirements of my husband, I was basically a single mom who happened to wear a wedding ring. Under the pressure of it all, the false obligation (you have to look like this…we expect your life to look like this… you can have this, but you can’t have that…) I cracked! My whole personality disappeared. I was a walking corpse. I mean really, I never stopped loving God, but in the whole thing of this eating away at my life, I didn’t know my husband anymore and he didn’t know me, I didn’t even know me! Actually, it wasn’t ok to be the “me” that I was, and I didn’t know how to be anything different. The pressure of raising kids by myself under the watchful demeaning eye of the religious Gestapo was just too much. Everything, the life inside of me, my thoughts and opinions, my spark…it all just died out. I was just animated skin and nothing more. The only thing that gave me life was when I was with my kids and “my kids” the youth group. They knew me and loved me and let me love them and that was all. It was so easy to regenerate there. But even that after 5 years of pouring out and “single parenting” and not living up to the standard of all of the “should’ers” whom my wonderful husband didn’t know, but by default he became one of, I left my husband, and I left ministry.
I am so sad to say it, and so hurt by that time. I left him with the purpose of never looking back at him, or ministry. In my thoughts I was leaving all the “should’ers”. All the expectation that I would never live up to, all the things that we were told had to be laid aside( God didn’t say it people did), All the confusion of feeling guilty for being lonely and angry that ministry was invading my time with my husband, all the not being able to ask questions because I should have already “known”, all the “you of all people should…” Leaving behind all the demeaning remarks for who I wasn’t, leaving it all behind, to walk into whatever hope there was of resurfacing the person under the burden of all of that crap. That is a whole other story in and of itself which I will get into one day which will include the wonderful people who reached in and pulled me out of the pile of crap that was laid upon me, and showed me Jesus…the real Jesus not the fake rule book one that held me prisoner for so long.
My husband is a Great Pastor. He is a Great Preacher too. One of the other things he is great at and is a hobby of his is fighting. He is an amazing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu fighter. But the fight to win me back was the fight of his life. Never has he had to fight with such force and never will he face another fight like that one. I won’t get into the details of that time, that is for me and my husband, but I will say that he won the fight, and I am wholeheartedly his, now and forever. Now for us and our marriage this was great and miraculous. God resurrected our marriage from death. He restored our union, and gave us new ground to stand on. We were free from religion and false obligation. But remember…there are still the “should’ers” that were at my husband’s workplace that were not on board with this whole thing. So what did we do? We prayed…hard. We cried out to God to deliver us out of that place and if it meant we quit ministry than we sadly would have, but, we cried, God if ministry is where you have truly called us let us work together in it and we will again try it, but this time honestly, Not with man’s law and ways but with your guidance, word, and love of people. And awesome God opened up a door for us.
When we moved from Co. I was super nervous. We had a house to sell in a down market. We had about a week before our kids would start school and I knew NOTHING about the school system, and I was leaving my family who had been my rock. My whole everything was connected to having family close by. And I was moving. We sold what we could and packed up the rest and moved into a host home. Our stuff is in a 2 car garage that they were so kind to offer us so we wouldn’t have to rent storage and here we would live until our house sold. Not only that but we were leaving that ministry and entering another with “church hurt”. To those that have had a church hurt you know how painful it is, and how incredibly scary it is to go back into the possibility of it. But if we are not hurtable how can we truly offer our whole hearts and honestly Love? That is another thing for another time also… But it was petrifying to face the possibility of another hurt like that.
When we were first hired into ministry (this was back in CO) we were told that we couldn’t have friends because friends wouldn’t respect our position as pastor. So we lived by that (which fed into my lonely times which were many). Well moving into a host home was incredibly scary as we were VERY private people. But the Wilders welcomed us in with open arms. Our house still hasn’t sold and it is almost a year later. We are still at the Wilders. Our stuff is still packed up in the garage. It has been hard to break the habit of not letting people close, but they have been so patient with us as we cautiously let them into our hearts and into our hurts. They were like a healing balm to us. They give us covering both physically and spiritually, They feed us both physically and spiritually. When Bart teaches my spirit feasts just like my mouth does when he smokes chicken YUM! And my talks with Barb not only help to sharpen my prophetic view, but also encourage and help build me into the woman that God is creating in me. It is EXCITING! I have never been this exposed or this excited in my life. It is both terrifying and liberating! We have made so many friends and it is wonderful. In fact I went out and did Kareoke with some of them this weekend and had a blast!
I love my life. God has used my own experiences in my hard times to help in ministering to others who are going through them ( Disclaimer- God did NOT make that time happen as he is NOT a child abuser, but He will not waste it either. I am willing to be exposed and let Him use it for His glory and He does. That is all.) And finding freedom in passing on living up to expectation of people, but rising up to what God has created in them.
My Husband is now a Sr. Pastor and we LOVE the place and People God has delivered us into. We walk out this life together with only His word as direction, no false obligation. We are fierce fighters against religion, and fierce fighters for relationship with Jesus. Our kids are growing healthy, happier and more free than I have ever seen them. God is so good!
So this move for me has been exposing, correcting, sharpening, liberating, loving, and probably the hardest and best thing I have ever been called on to do. When God calls he makes a way. The way may not always look like we think it is going to or want it to. But Gods way is the way that is going to call out the very essence of your entire being and call you to live in a way that honors the “you” that He created you to be. And by honoring the “you” you also Honor the God that created you.
I encourage you to live God’s way. Not the bound up path people tell you is God’s way, but get to know Him yourself and live for and with Him. He will change your life for the better. He will put the pieces into your life that you think are missing and guide you into a fulfilling existence. He will not shame or use shame to make you think one way or another, that is man’s tactic. God will love you with the most overwhelming love that you never knew you always wanted. God is Love. If you have experienced church hurt, than I encourage you to get in front of God and ask Him to guide you to a safe place to heal and a safe place to worship. Ask Him to lead you to a body of believers that will accept you and love you. Not love you despite your mistakes or habits or whatever, but including them! with the freedon to just love like God, to just love like Jesus, and to live in the power of the Holy Spirit!
My Husband, before we moved, was the youth pastor at a church in CO. My husband LOVES the Lord. I mean LOVES!!! With everything he is and has, he loves God. When he first was asked to serve as the youth pastor we were SO excited. He knew his calling was to be in ministry and finally a door opened up.
Ok now fast forward 5 years later. When a person in the family is in ministry, it is expected that the whole family get in ministry. That is NOT the way it has to be…we didn’t know that then. Not only was my husband working normal office hours, but being a youth pastor I don’t think that senior leadership realized that youth pastoring happens outside of “normal” office hours because youth has school. Pile on top of that a man’s own family, and then on top of that, required after hour prayer meetings, required after hour conferences, evangelism outreaches that he was to be in charge of (after hours of course), required after hour…well you get the point. Not a lot of time left for those at home. Being a Pastor is hard.
So being a Pastors wife isn’t always the easiest thing in the world either. I’m just going to be real honest here because I can, and those of you that are Pastors wives or PK’s know what I mean. It’s not the fault of the Pastor. God called them into this type of work, ministry. But there are those people who watch with judgmental eyes waiting for you to mess up. Those with the “well because you are a pastors wife you should…” Man I would really like to tell them what they could do with their “should”, but being a Christian woman I will hold my tongue and lift it up in prayer :). Who are they to judge or tell me what I “should” Look like, speak like, dress like, act like, give me a freakin break! That is called false obligation and you do NOT have to live up to that, or even try to. Ok done with that rant for now.
I have heard it said that the more a man is involved in ministry, the more the woman disappears. Now that is not true in EVERY ministry for sure, but in this one it is, or was I should say, I wouldn’t know now. But that was my experience. So, because the job required so much of my husband and because I am a good wife and backed up my husband, I was working a full time job, and I was working a full time “volunteer job”, and I was a wife, and a mom. Whew! now that is a lot to handle. Not only that, but because of the job requirements of my husband, I was basically a single mom who happened to wear a wedding ring. Under the pressure of it all, the false obligation (you have to look like this…we expect your life to look like this… you can have this, but you can’t have that…) I cracked! My whole personality disappeared. I was a walking corpse. I mean really, I never stopped loving God, but in the whole thing of this eating away at my life, I didn’t know my husband anymore and he didn’t know me, I didn’t even know me! Actually, it wasn’t ok to be the “me” that I was, and I didn’t know how to be anything different. The pressure of raising kids by myself under the watchful demeaning eye of the religious Gestapo was just too much. Everything, the life inside of me, my thoughts and opinions, my spark…it all just died out. I was just animated skin and nothing more. The only thing that gave me life was when I was with my kids and “my kids” the youth group. They knew me and loved me and let me love them and that was all. It was so easy to regenerate there. But even that after 5 years of pouring out and “single parenting” and not living up to the standard of all of the “should’ers” whom my wonderful husband didn’t know, but by default he became one of, I left my husband, and I left ministry.
I am so sad to say it, and so hurt by that time. I left him with the purpose of never looking back at him, or ministry. In my thoughts I was leaving all the “should’ers”. All the expectation that I would never live up to, all the things that we were told had to be laid aside( God didn’t say it people did), All the confusion of feeling guilty for being lonely and angry that ministry was invading my time with my husband, all the not being able to ask questions because I should have already “known”, all the “you of all people should…” Leaving behind all the demeaning remarks for who I wasn’t, leaving it all behind, to walk into whatever hope there was of resurfacing the person under the burden of all of that crap. That is a whole other story in and of itself which I will get into one day which will include the wonderful people who reached in and pulled me out of the pile of crap that was laid upon me, and showed me Jesus…the real Jesus not the fake rule book one that held me prisoner for so long.
My husband is a Great Pastor. He is a Great Preacher too. One of the other things he is great at and is a hobby of his is fighting. He is an amazing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu fighter. But the fight to win me back was the fight of his life. Never has he had to fight with such force and never will he face another fight like that one. I won’t get into the details of that time, that is for me and my husband, but I will say that he won the fight, and I am wholeheartedly his, now and forever. Now for us and our marriage this was great and miraculous. God resurrected our marriage from death. He restored our union, and gave us new ground to stand on. We were free from religion and false obligation. But remember…there are still the “should’ers” that were at my husband’s workplace that were not on board with this whole thing. So what did we do? We prayed…hard. We cried out to God to deliver us out of that place and if it meant we quit ministry than we sadly would have, but, we cried, God if ministry is where you have truly called us let us work together in it and we will again try it, but this time honestly, Not with man’s law and ways but with your guidance, word, and love of people. And awesome God opened up a door for us.
When we moved from Co. I was super nervous. We had a house to sell in a down market. We had about a week before our kids would start school and I knew NOTHING about the school system, and I was leaving my family who had been my rock. My whole everything was connected to having family close by. And I was moving. We sold what we could and packed up the rest and moved into a host home. Our stuff is in a 2 car garage that they were so kind to offer us so we wouldn’t have to rent storage and here we would live until our house sold. Not only that but we were leaving that ministry and entering another with “church hurt”. To those that have had a church hurt you know how painful it is, and how incredibly scary it is to go back into the possibility of it. But if we are not hurtable how can we truly offer our whole hearts and honestly Love? That is another thing for another time also… But it was petrifying to face the possibility of another hurt like that.
When we were first hired into ministry (this was back in CO) we were told that we couldn’t have friends because friends wouldn’t respect our position as pastor. So we lived by that (which fed into my lonely times which were many). Well moving into a host home was incredibly scary as we were VERY private people. But the Wilders welcomed us in with open arms. Our house still hasn’t sold and it is almost a year later. We are still at the Wilders. Our stuff is still packed up in the garage. It has been hard to break the habit of not letting people close, but they have been so patient with us as we cautiously let them into our hearts and into our hurts. They were like a healing balm to us. They give us covering both physically and spiritually, They feed us both physically and spiritually. When Bart teaches my spirit feasts just like my mouth does when he smokes chicken YUM! And my talks with Barb not only help to sharpen my prophetic view, but also encourage and help build me into the woman that God is creating in me. It is EXCITING! I have never been this exposed or this excited in my life. It is both terrifying and liberating! We have made so many friends and it is wonderful. In fact I went out and did Kareoke with some of them this weekend and had a blast!
I love my life. God has used my own experiences in my hard times to help in ministering to others who are going through them ( Disclaimer- God did NOT make that time happen as he is NOT a child abuser, but He will not waste it either. I am willing to be exposed and let Him use it for His glory and He does. That is all.) And finding freedom in passing on living up to expectation of people, but rising up to what God has created in them.
My Husband is now a Sr. Pastor and we LOVE the place and People God has delivered us into. We walk out this life together with only His word as direction, no false obligation. We are fierce fighters against religion, and fierce fighters for relationship with Jesus. Our kids are growing healthy, happier and more free than I have ever seen them. God is so good!
So this move for me has been exposing, correcting, sharpening, liberating, loving, and probably the hardest and best thing I have ever been called on to do. When God calls he makes a way. The way may not always look like we think it is going to or want it to. But Gods way is the way that is going to call out the very essence of your entire being and call you to live in a way that honors the “you” that He created you to be. And by honoring the “you” you also Honor the God that created you.
I encourage you to live God’s way. Not the bound up path people tell you is God’s way, but get to know Him yourself and live for and with Him. He will change your life for the better. He will put the pieces into your life that you think are missing and guide you into a fulfilling existence. He will not shame or use shame to make you think one way or another, that is man’s tactic. God will love you with the most overwhelming love that you never knew you always wanted. God is Love. If you have experienced church hurt, than I encourage you to get in front of God and ask Him to guide you to a safe place to heal and a safe place to worship. Ask Him to lead you to a body of believers that will accept you and love you. Not love you despite your mistakes or habits or whatever, but including them! with the freedon to just love like God, to just love like Jesus, and to live in the power of the Holy Spirit!
Last night is going to go down in the books as one of the most memorable family nights for me. I can’t remember when we sat down together as a family and laughed so hard! We moved here a year ago and I don’t think that we have had a time like this in the whole year we have been here. Man O Man what a blast. We were eating a late dinner and just hanging out and I don’t even know what sparked it but we were talking about the “times when…”
The thing about it was I was there for a lot of these stories. I had witnessed them personally but hearing the experience through my kids’ eyes and in their words made it all new. Like the time I started the car and my son (then about 2 or 3) started crying…I thought the car noise scared him, turns out he was sitting in the back playing with buttons and he pressed something and thought he started the car, his next thought was aw crap mom is gonna kill me so he started crying. Or when I sent the kids out to walk the dogs and my daughter saw prairie dogs out in the fields so like any big sister she gave the leashes to her brother and once the dogs caught sight of the prairie dogs they dragged him several yard across the grass while she pointed and laughed at him and he couldn’t even scream he was too busy being dragged like Indiana Jones! Or when so-n-so waited at the top of the stairs only to fart in the face of the other one…Or when the girl thought she would be cool and lean out of her window to wave to a friend and she fell out of it onto some bushes! HAHAHA My kids were FULL of stories and we didn’t end up going to bed till past 11:00. I absolutely LOVED hearing all about them! When we were winding down my daughter said “mom you didn’t say much” and I laughed it off cause she was right I didn’t. not that I don’t have stories of my own, I just realized that I hadn’t really heard theirs
You get to be older and start to think, what do these kids know, they haven’t experienced…whatever. But that is SO not true. They have experienced plenty in their lives they just never get a chance to talk about it or tell it. At 11 years and 14 years old my kids have stories to tell about their experiences. And they are GREAT. We all were laughing so hard we were literally crying! We as a family in ministry are always out doing… We do things together, but we are always out doing. I forget to remember to check in and see in all of our doing what are we experiencing? To just sit at home and talk was the most refreshing thing I have been given in a long time. I know it was Fathers Day, but, I can’t help but think that it was a gift to me. To get to hear my kids stories, to get to hear their lives, to get to experience what they did through their eyes. I like how they see things. I realized that my kids are growing up. But it felt good to hear that the growing has been fun for them.
All you moms of tweens and teens, I encourage you to just start a “remember the time…” conversation with your kids, and then listen. Listen to what was going through their mind at the time. Listen to the things they don’t mind telling you now but if you found out then they were sure it would mean instant death. Kids are HILARIOUS! That night really was a bonding/uniting experience for us Vidals. I hope it is the same for you.
The thing about it was I was there for a lot of these stories. I had witnessed them personally but hearing the experience through my kids’ eyes and in their words made it all new. Like the time I started the car and my son (then about 2 or 3) started crying…I thought the car noise scared him, turns out he was sitting in the back playing with buttons and he pressed something and thought he started the car, his next thought was aw crap mom is gonna kill me so he started crying. Or when I sent the kids out to walk the dogs and my daughter saw prairie dogs out in the fields so like any big sister she gave the leashes to her brother and once the dogs caught sight of the prairie dogs they dragged him several yard across the grass while she pointed and laughed at him and he couldn’t even scream he was too busy being dragged like Indiana Jones! Or when so-n-so waited at the top of the stairs only to fart in the face of the other one…Or when the girl thought she would be cool and lean out of her window to wave to a friend and she fell out of it onto some bushes! HAHAHA My kids were FULL of stories and we didn’t end up going to bed till past 11:00. I absolutely LOVED hearing all about them! When we were winding down my daughter said “mom you didn’t say much” and I laughed it off cause she was right I didn’t. not that I don’t have stories of my own, I just realized that I hadn’t really heard theirs
You get to be older and start to think, what do these kids know, they haven’t experienced…whatever. But that is SO not true. They have experienced plenty in their lives they just never get a chance to talk about it or tell it. At 11 years and 14 years old my kids have stories to tell about their experiences. And they are GREAT. We all were laughing so hard we were literally crying! We as a family in ministry are always out doing… We do things together, but we are always out doing. I forget to remember to check in and see in all of our doing what are we experiencing? To just sit at home and talk was the most refreshing thing I have been given in a long time. I know it was Fathers Day, but, I can’t help but think that it was a gift to me. To get to hear my kids stories, to get to hear their lives, to get to experience what they did through their eyes. I like how they see things. I realized that my kids are growing up. But it felt good to hear that the growing has been fun for them.
All you moms of tweens and teens, I encourage you to just start a “remember the time…” conversation with your kids, and then listen. Listen to what was going through their mind at the time. Listen to the things they don’t mind telling you now but if you found out then they were sure it would mean instant death. Kids are HILARIOUS! That night really was a bonding/uniting experience for us Vidals. I hope it is the same for you.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Cheating on God
I had a dream. Not the kind that leaves you excited to face your day when you wake up. Not the Cinderella kind where everything is peaceful and little birds and Forest critters come and attend to you like a princess. Nope. This was the kind where you wake up desperate to see if your husband/ wife is still there. The kind where your breathing is irregular, and it feels like someone roto-rootered a hole right in the place where your heart should be. It was that kind of dream, and I woke still feeling the pain.
In my dream I was standing on a platform with my kids and my husband. My wonderful husband was getting ready to go to work and I was seeing him off. We looked like the perfect “leave it to beaver” family. My husband patted the kid’s heads and kissed me on the cheek and left the platform. Once he walked away, other women came out to meet him. They were all very pretty. He would see them and embrace them. He would hold them and kiss them. Not the kind of kiss on the cheek he had given to me, but the kind that makes little girls sigh and long for the day someone loves them and kisses them with such fierce passion. I waited for him to come home watching the events of his day. I sat on the platform and waited. Patiently I waited for him to return to me. Even after I saw all that had gone on I still wanted him to come home to me and to kiss me with that kind of desire. But, when he came back to the platform, I stayed waiting and he kissed me on the cheek patted the kids on the head and went home.
When I woke up I had a heavy loneliness. The kind where you are right next to the one you love and they ignore your presence completely. Like a window in the room, you are right there but people only look through you not at you. solitary confinement in your own skin.
It was a model of the Church. God is waiting on the platform. But even though we are the bride of Christ, the spouse, we go out in the day and give the passionate part of ourselves to a world that doesn’t love us. How often do you miss going to service to corporately worship God to go camping, hunting, fishing, shopping, cleaning, bad day, whatever. I don’t mean making church a “religious” thing…”if I don’t go I’m going to hell!” NO NOTHING LIKE THAT!!! But how passionately are we pursuing God. How zealous are we to worship Him every chance we get. How adamantly do we run to him when our week is crap and we are tired. How willing are we to go into service to offer our gifts. Yes the preacher shares the word (that is the gift he/she has to offer) but your gift is NEEDED in the body. In corporate worship. If you take the Word seriously then you know 1 can chase 100 and 2 can chase 10,000. If your presence isn’t there than less are being chased. Not only that, but there is a blessing that happens in corporate worship that you don’t get alone. It’s God on the platform waiting for your passionate return. What a heavy lonliness He carries when we just give him a peck on the cheek, when He has promised His life, His everything to us and He is faithful to keep His promise. We, Church, are an unfaithful bride! Oh God please help our wondering hearts and eyes. Let them be turned back to You. To our first love. Let us not leave you lonely. God! I am sorry for not taking my commitment to you as seriously as you take your commitment to me. Help me to rise up and be the bride, wife, lover, passionate follower that you deserve.
In my dream I was standing on a platform with my kids and my husband. My wonderful husband was getting ready to go to work and I was seeing him off. We looked like the perfect “leave it to beaver” family. My husband patted the kid’s heads and kissed me on the cheek and left the platform. Once he walked away, other women came out to meet him. They were all very pretty. He would see them and embrace them. He would hold them and kiss them. Not the kind of kiss on the cheek he had given to me, but the kind that makes little girls sigh and long for the day someone loves them and kisses them with such fierce passion. I waited for him to come home watching the events of his day. I sat on the platform and waited. Patiently I waited for him to return to me. Even after I saw all that had gone on I still wanted him to come home to me and to kiss me with that kind of desire. But, when he came back to the platform, I stayed waiting and he kissed me on the cheek patted the kids on the head and went home.
When I woke up I had a heavy loneliness. The kind where you are right next to the one you love and they ignore your presence completely. Like a window in the room, you are right there but people only look through you not at you. solitary confinement in your own skin.
It was a model of the Church. God is waiting on the platform. But even though we are the bride of Christ, the spouse, we go out in the day and give the passionate part of ourselves to a world that doesn’t love us. How often do you miss going to service to corporately worship God to go camping, hunting, fishing, shopping, cleaning, bad day, whatever. I don’t mean making church a “religious” thing…”if I don’t go I’m going to hell!” NO NOTHING LIKE THAT!!! But how passionately are we pursuing God. How zealous are we to worship Him every chance we get. How adamantly do we run to him when our week is crap and we are tired. How willing are we to go into service to offer our gifts. Yes the preacher shares the word (that is the gift he/she has to offer) but your gift is NEEDED in the body. In corporate worship. If you take the Word seriously then you know 1 can chase 100 and 2 can chase 10,000. If your presence isn’t there than less are being chased. Not only that, but there is a blessing that happens in corporate worship that you don’t get alone. It’s God on the platform waiting for your passionate return. What a heavy lonliness He carries when we just give him a peck on the cheek, when He has promised His life, His everything to us and He is faithful to keep His promise. We, Church, are an unfaithful bride! Oh God please help our wondering hearts and eyes. Let them be turned back to You. To our first love. Let us not leave you lonely. God! I am sorry for not taking my commitment to you as seriously as you take your commitment to me. Help me to rise up and be the bride, wife, lover, passionate follower that you deserve.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)