tween years take 2

It’s been almost a year since I’ve moved into this house and a little over two since we’ve made the trek from Colorado to Casper WY. It’s much different here than it was back in CO. Where I used to live it was a simple 30 min drive into downtown Denver. Everything ran on a multilevel scale. From malls to restaurants to local churches it was all level upon level of grand. And then one full uhaul and four hours later it was all just a picture in a rearview mirror.  Life as I knew it was going to change in a big way. My rearview just didn’t tell me how big.

I think one of the things I struggle with most is that I’m not from here. I didn’t grow up here. So when someone says “the old” when referring to a location. Or a place isn’t listed you are just supposed to know where it is, I have a hard time with that. Also, Casper being a smaller town, when you aren’t born and raised here it’s easy to miss out on the inside jokes. Especially if you feel like you are the joke.

There are some things that have come to my attention recently. So what makes me so “thinky” is this. Where I come from intellect is thought highly of, even to the fault of being worshipped. People trust their instinct and they trust their intellect. People are free thinkers where I came from and would argue your thought just to argue. The only plus of that is people formed their own opinion and thought for themselves. So, if someone told me one thing about another person I would trust my personal experience with said thing. That seems to be not how it works here, or maybe just not how it is working in this situation. Maybe I am blowing it way out of proportion, but this is my place to be exposed so here it is. If it were me I would trust my own thoughts, my own experience, my own knowledge and contact with said situation. It seems there have been rumors or thoughts that have been shared with others that question my integrity. The thing is that if these people would have trusted their own experience with me rather than join the rumor mill they would have figured out that whatever was shared is a big lie. It’s a sabotage to my character it’s hateful and hurtful to me. 

I know I’m not where I used to be. I have grown so much this past couple of years. I think if I moved back to CO I wouldn’t fit in there. I have too much Casper in me already. But sometimes I feel l don’t have enough Casper to fit in here. It’s like I’m a tween again. Too old and outgrown for where I was but not quite to the place where I am going to go to fit in where I am at.

So what to do? Well today I had a Hart of Dixie a thon. And I have also caught up of Glee. These are my fall back happy movies to pull me out of the dumpy attitude days, and then I got to thinking about what I shared last night at youth. How to turn a crappiest day from all of craptown into a good day. I think I need to follow my own advice, actually it’s not mine its Gods. Get this, it’s like he knew one day I might be feeling a little out of place and so he told me something that if I do, I will turn my day around. Check this out from

Philippians Chapter 4
8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. 9 Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.

Ok so focus on what is true. Well, what is true? Or what is truth? What does God say about me? He calls me victorious, He calls me a conquerer,He calls me beautiful, he calls me friend, He loves me. That is true. And what HE says about me is more important than what anyone else says about me. WOW already I’m in a better mood

And if that weren’t all... what is pure and lovely, It snowed recently and the backyard was covered in this gorgeous white blanket of snow that just sparkled, It was gorgeous! I have the most amazing husband and kids ever. They love me so wonderfully, pure and beautiful! LOVE I am surrounded by love

And think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. God has moved us from a place in CO.  to a place here. GOD has moved us. Not WE have moved us. The rearview mirror holds a lot of memories but that is what those are is memories. They are Past. I have so much to look forward to. I have a place in this town. It is a place created and sanctified by God, and then of all the people in the world and on this planet He called ME to it. Now if I really believe that, and I do, I can only succeed. God is so good. He will walk with me through this. People will come and go but God will not leave me nor forsake me. He loves me so much with an everlasting love. No matter what people say, or even people who are not smart enough to form their own opinion and just believe what other people say. What God says is truth and I am going to not just believe what God says I am going to LIVE IT. And then I know God will be with me. He will cover me with His peace and I will radiate His joy. My day and my attitude just got a lot better. I love what happens when I put my trust in Him.

growing pains

     It’s almost 1 am. 10 till. I am wide awake. It’s not that I can’t figure out why I’m awake. I am awake because BOTH my kids are gone. 

     Baby girl is at her friends house spending the night. All the cheerleaders are hanging out tonight practicing cheers and just being a squad before their first game that they get to cheer tomorrow. 

     Boy child is at his friends house sleeping over because it’s his friends 13^th birthday. We got him a Nerf gun. I am told you are NEVER too old to own them.

    There are two big firsts for my kids tomorrow for baby girl it’s her first high school game to cheer at. I have to miss it because before I knew there was a game I volunteered to work and it’s not like I can go back on that. There are a lot of people depending on me that put a lot of time, effort, and money into the event that I’ve been invited and am humbled and honored that they would trust me to MC.

    This is a stake in the ground for the Kingdom of God and a first ever attempt to reach the city in this manor where churches have combined forces to reach the city, gather together in agreement of SOMETHING, and give what we are. It’s a music festival and I pray it goes well. We, as a church body of Casper, Wy., are acting in agreement toward a cause. It’s in those times that God shows up. Yeah, I read the book of acts. I have been called on to be a part of it in one of my unique giftings. Stirring up energy and being a ball of energy for people to feed from.

   Boy child is on his own for getting himself home from a long distance away. I took him there but since the party ends later in the afternoon. He has requested that he be able to stay at the house and then ride his bike home. There are a couple of huge hills that he has to ride down and I don’t fully trust the brakes on his bike. Basically they suck...bad. Last summer he was riding fast down a steep hill on a skateboard had an accident and tore off his fingernail and scraped up his had pretty good. It was more aweful than it sounds. If you have ever had this injury you know. If you are the mother of a child you understand the way it affects you to see your child in real pain. I also do not trust his sense of direction. He is like me in that department. He has to cross a busy highway street which totally petrifies me (even though there is a button that you can push and the walk signal comes on). This is first time he is going to come such a long distance on his bike by himself. It’s kind of a long way home. Maybe a few miles (including the shortcuts).  I am nervous because I am not going to be home to make sure he got home safely and unscathed. If he doesn’t come home in a timely manor I can not get in my car and go look for him. I won't even know. There is nothing I can do about it.

      I can’t call in to this job,or not show up. I have accepted an offer to be part of this thing which is much bigger than just myself. I feel guilty because I will miss my daughters first game. I will not be able to pick up my son and he has to take a long ride home which is potentially pretty dangerous. The only choice that I have to be there for my kids is to NOT show up for this work, but I have given my word. If I didn’t show up it would be to be a good mom right? to support my kids, to make sure that they stay safe on my watch.

But still I feel a stirring inside me that tears me apart and I want to ignore but can’t. It tells me to just trust God with the outcome. 

   I am learning that I am not comfortable in insecurity. I get insecure when i am not in control. Especially with my family. I need to know exactly where the kids are, I need to be right there beside them walking through things with them, I need to know that they are ok. How can I be a good mom and not be or do those things? Well this is tough. God has told me to trust Him, He has proven Himself trustworthy over and over and over. Now, with what is most precious to me, I am being asked again to trust Him. Not trust Him after the fact, but before I physically see any results. Hmmm isn’t that what faith is?  Calling things that aren’t as though they are. Believing in what I haven’t seen? So here I am it’s 10 past 1 A.M. I feel like a kindergartener on my first day of school. Nervously holding Father God’s hand but excited at the same to see what happens. I know God loves my kids more than I do. I will pray that he cheers the loudest for my daughter and supports her and she can hear it from the inside out and know that I am sending her my love and support, I will trust that God will direct my son and make his brakes on his bike work and get him from his friends house to our house safely, and my son will be proud of himself and trust in his ability to navigate. He will take another small step into young manhood. He has already taken so many. I will understand that he can’t take those steps with his mom walking him through it. These are steps he must listen to the guiding of his dad and then take on his own. Holy Spirit will walk boy child through it. My husband and I have done our best in teaching our children how to hear His voice and then obey quickly. 

I will Trust God in this. It hurts because of what I can’t be, but in order for my kids to grow into what God wants them to be I have to step out of the way and give Him control. So with nervous energy, and a lump in my heart I give God control of tomorrow/today/forever (even though I may need to be reminded from time to time). I will go where I have been called, and, allow my children to grow beyond my apron strings and into the covering of their own walk with God.

In honor of my mom for her birthday...sometimes a story just should be told. This is one of them.

In Mexican culture, when cooking , there is a tool we use called a molcajete. It’s kind of like a bowl on three legs made of lava rock. Before you really start using it you have to get it ready. First you have to grind rice into it to get out the grittiness, then you have to grind your spices into it and it will hold its flavor and that flavor will seep into everything that gets put into it from that time on. It will also soak up flavors as they are added and ground into it. It makes the most delectable salsa. My grandma had one, my mom has one, I have one. They seem to be just regular kitchen things but each one holds a story, a flavor.

I don’t know much of my mom’s story…I know she spent most of her childhood living with her grandparents. She has a lot of brothers and sisters and loves every single one of them very deeply. And i know how her story interlaces with my own. I am the second of 4 children. The first girl though. My mom was married when she had me, and I came to her when she was 17 years old.

I cannot imagine what that was like for her. I think back to when I was 17 and can barely remember it. I have a 15 year old daughter of my own and can’t even imagine her in a relationship let alone ready to get married. Even though those were “different days” I think I was so lucky to have a young mom. My mom was always the prettiest. She was always the most fashionable. She was always energetic. And always so creative. I am so blessed that she poured these things into me as well.

But I would imagine being a teenage mom is a really hard thing. She had to drop out of high school to take care of her two children and her husband was only 19 years old and worked hard all the time to support this young family. I didn’t think about it until I got older but I bet she got a lot of stares, heard a lot of whispers behind her back, saw people nudge each other and then throw a look her way. The condescending tsk tsk sounds. What she went through I can’t imagine. But because of it I have inherited a strength that I cannot explain. I walk with a certain dignity, like my mom, where my life from the outside may not look “perfect “according to standards set by people, but I am proud of the family I have and will not let people or circumstance cause me to see shame in myself, rathe,r I let God be glorified through the life I live no matter the circumstance I am put into. It’s not by strength of my own. It was soaked into me. seasoned into the fiber of my being, all because of what my mom was willing to face and overcome. Because of irritants being ground from and spice ground into her. I am one who carries the flavor. The seasoning. There are no words to thank her for what she went through to make me who I am but God knows and dances over her with love and excitement at the job she is doing.

Now me being a bit “spicy” I was not the best teenager in the world. I was hardly a “good” one. I snuck out regularly, got involved in things I should have known better than to have, and was just a rebellious brat. My grandma Terri died when I was really young and so my mom had no help from her in my upbringing. I am positive that that was an extremely hard thing because I lean on my mom all the time. I am sure that in those years my poor mom wanted to throw her hands up…and then smack me with them hahaha… but instead I imagine she folded them and prayed. Much like Mary in the bible heard all the things spoken about her son Jesus and held them in her heart. I imagine my mom had thoughts of who she knew I could be, and held them in her heart.
In a molcajete, the longer something sits in it, the more flavors it is able to absorb. My mom must have held her thoughts of me in her heart for a long time because I have absorbed so much of her qualities, her love for books and all things creative, her love for music and all things that set a soul to dance, and faith in God, that nothing is impossible for Him.

I think people are hardest on moms. No other people group get so judged by what they do, don’t do, when they do or don’t do, how they live, dress, speak, feed their babies, dress their babies,. I mean really… think of it. You see a kid running down the street with a booger face. The first thing you think is “Where is your mom and why did she let you out of the house like that?” and it’s not in a nice way, like, is she feeling ok? Is something wrong? Does she need help? No. It’s more like, EW! What a terrible mother you must have! So I am going to list all of the things my mom is to me (none of which she was specially trained for) My mom was my cheerleader, chef, warden, bank, doctor, teacher, motivational speaker, bus driver, psychologist, rescuer, and so much more. She showed me how to love like Jesus loves.

I mentioned earlier that my mom had to drop out of high school to take care of her family. My mom went back years later and finished. She graduated valedictorian. I don’t remember how old I was at the time. I think about 8 maybe 9 but I remember being so filled with pride watching my own mama make a speech in front of all of her school teachers and friends and getting the thing which she studied so hard for. My mom worked outside of the home for as far back as I can remember. Then she came home and worked inside the home. She had no time to herself. But she savored every second she had with us while we were growing up. I learned then that i would have to work hard to reach my goals. Even though time may not always be on my side, God is and I can overcome and shine just like she did on that day.
Just like a molcajete a mom has to be a rock on the outside, and a vessel on the inside. Ready for and hits coming from the outside and whatever it is she must carry and flavor. When you make a salsa in a molcajete you can give away your recipe to whoever wants it but they can never reproduce the taste that came out. They didn’t have a seasoned vessel to cook it in. That is pretty apparent if you have ever met my sister and brothers. We are successful. We are Strong. We are stubborn in a good way. We are fun. We are funny. We don’t get pushed around. There is nothing in the world more important to us than family. There is no one like us in the whole world. If there was we wouldn’t need an Olympics cause everyone would have a gold medal ( they will know what that means). Mothers Day has just passed and my moms birthday is today. I honor, thank, Love, my mom for the seasonings she had to endure. For staying strong on the outside to be able to flavor and carry what was on the inside. I am proud and humbled that I had her to show me how to be a woman and a mother. I am blessed that my kids have the best grandmother and that her strength, love, and seasoning, is in them just as it is in me.

Mom, I hope your birthday is the best ever. I wish I could be there to celebrate it with you all. I will see you soon. I love you

Come out Come out wherever you are and meet the young lady who fell from a star
-Glinda

One of my all-time favorite scenes in movie History is the scene in the wizard of Oz where Dorothy Gale exits the farm home and enters into this strange new land called Oz. It wasn’t necessarily the storyline of the movie that burned this scene into my childlike world. But it was the transition from black and white into a world full of beautiful color. Bright color. Bold Color. Color that had never before been seen by little Dorothy. She, along with her audience, realized that “Toto, we aren’t in Kansas anymore”.

Ladies can I just be honest with you here? How many of you have felt like pre-Oz Dorothy. There is a life there sure. But, it’s one in black and white, in gray scale, being shadowed by something or someone more important than you. Have you ladies ever felt like you've been living in the shadow of your husband? *gasp*!!! OMG Did she just really SAY that? OUT LOUD?!?!?! Yes I did. Let’s get it all out there. And let’s be honest. I have had several chats with some wonderful young ladies whose husbands are VERY involved in ministry. Their heart cry, or maybe sob, is that “I just want to know that I matter too, that I also have a place, not just his place but a place God has called me to. Does my life make any sort of difference, or do I just matter because I take care of things so my husband can do all the work? Is there a calling for me? Do I actually have a name or do I solely exist as (Insert husband’s name here) wife? ” It is with the line from the wizard of Oz that I invite you to peek out from the shadows

You know what I hate? I hate…no despise…no LOATHE? It’s those little voices that tell us how we “should be” feeing or what we, as good Christian women “should be” thinking, even going as far as telling us what we “should” look like. REALLY??!! How often do those voices beat us up and make us feel guilty and submit us into silence. Stealing what we love about our life. Killing all the vibrancies from our personality. Taking all the beauty that is inside and outside of us, and pounding us with it. The bible does mention someone who came to steal kill and destroy and guess what? It wasn’t God.

I remember a time when my husband first started in youth ministry. We were young and I was young in Christ and learning new things all the time. It was so exciting! I had such character and flare. One of my good friends even nicknamed me “da fizz” she said my personality was fizzy. My personality being just as bright and just as colorful as all the colors I put in my hair and wore in my clothes. Well, intro into ministry, you do have to get used to people looking at you. One well-meaning lady approached me and told me if I kept looking the way I did that I was going to ruin my husband’s ministry. Being young in the Lord I had no idea this was a lie. Knowing what I know now I would simply tell her it wasn’t my husband’s ministry it was Gods and if he wanted me to change He would tell me. Instead I believed the lie and I was crushed. I would have to give up the fun of wild style? Of wonderful colors in my hair?? I know it sounds petty when said like that, and, that is what I thought, but the reality was I would have to stop the celebration of my personality and vibrancy because that would ruin the ministry? Do you see how ridiculous it sounds? But I believed it and so there went a piece of what made me, me. I had given up a part of myself in order to move my husband forward. That is the way it “should be” right? Serving his needs ahead of my own? I was so dejected I never voiced my passion for fun and self-expression. I simply stayed quiet and let my fizz die. That sure did a number on my marriage. Little did I know that part of that “fun-ness” was what drew my husband to me in the first place. He had never known a person who shined like I did. When I let that go I hurt us both.

I gave up a piece of me. A creative sparky piece that God himself designed. I thought I was doing it so that this ministry could be successful. I thought I was doing it to become more of what I “should be” to become more of what God wanted from me. But while I let my fun go, I also let my opinions, and thoughts and all other things inside of me go until I became an empty shell of a person. In that emptiness I started to point fingers and blame. The person I blamed is the very one whom God had sent me to love. I blamed my own husband until I became trapped in a cage of my own resentment.
It was years later when I realized the person God called me to be, the one Jesus died for, was the very one I had buried. It was after years of seeking out Gods heart that I realized, He isn’t a God of “should” he is a God of “AM” He loves me as I AM, He created me as I AM and He will lead me where I AM to go. Since God is also a God of miracles, He cut through fear, He cut through bondage and he gave resurrection life to “the fizz” inside of me again. Ladies, please don’t waste any more moments on this than you have to. God LOVES you just as you are! All the beauty, all the style, all the creativity, all the everything!

I have a friend who has been such a support to her husband. From the outside they seemed to be the completely in sync. I met with her one day and she shared that the things that she is teaming up with him on are all “his” things. She didn’t find joy in them because they weren’t her passions they were his. She really felt almost invisible, but, she goes in support of him. She had made a decision to step back from these things because going was becoming painful. She felt useless and lifeless and when she thought about it the scripture in Col would come up about working unto the Lord. She said she would settle in her heart that she was serving as unto the Lord but everytime she left she felt abused and couldn’t understand why and she was unable to work as unto the Lord. She felt like a failure. Praise God for sending us Holy Spirit to talk to! Through His guidance I asked my friend, well what is it that you are passionate about? What do you love? When asking this you have to understand that this is a very intimate question? You are asking a hurting person to reveal what they are most afraid of. You are also asking them to reveal what the devil himself is most afraid of, Christ in them. Her heart was creativity. She used to love making jewelry and house decorations. She was good at it too. The look that came over her face as she shared about the many things she made was beautiful. There was a freedom there in just thinking about it. She hadn’t even thought about it for a long time with the kids and family filling her schedule she just didn’t have the time. So i asked her then if she had tried to talk with her husband about this? She said she had, but she just gets so angry that they end up fighting about it and nothing gets resolved which is part of what is driving her to step back.( do you see the cage building here?) With some more talking and sharing she had decided to step back from a few of the things she was involved in and in the time she normally spent doing “his” things she was going to try to be creative. She was going to craft some things and put them up in her house. The first couple of weeks were tough because she missed the people but she would play some music and craft and just have the most wonderful talks with the Lord. She realized in this time, that verse that had been haunting her, Col 3:23 that when she was doing the ministry work she was working really to gain the attention and love of her husband. She was working unto man. She did all the right things but for all the wrong reasons. In her crafting time she was setting her spirit free to commune with the Lord and working unto Him. This is what gave her pleasure, passion, hope. Not just the creating but the time with God where he was working with and through her. She had made herself available to the Lord to be worked with as he works with her. She realized that God really DOES know her. When she realized this she was able to talk with her husband without being angry. He supports her gifting and even went to the store to get her surprise supplies!

One more topic I want to talk about. If you have a husband in ministry you have experienced it. No matter where you are, in church or out, You are always introduced as so-n-so’s wife. I guess it really wouldn’t be such a bother if every other wife were introduced the same way. But, sadly, no. You have no name. Only the title of (_)’s wife. I know some of you are probably giggling as you read this at the truth of it but also sighing at the pain. To anyone who has not experienced it, this may sound like a petty thing. IT IS NOT! Ladies (_)’s wife. You have identity! You have a name. When God knit you together in your mothers womb he did it with purpose and that purpose was you. I encourage you to take up your identity! Go sit on your husbands lap and tell him you are so proud to be his wife. So blessed to be (insert first and last name)! See? You had something to insert. You do have an identity and God and your husband both know it. Your husband may be the one who really sees who you are closest to what God sees. Why? Because, he has never looked at you in his shadow. He has only looked at you in the radiant light of God. He sees what God is showcasing in you. Now go sit on his lap and give him a big fat kiss!

Rev 2:4-5 4 Nevertheless I have this against you, that you have left your first love. 5 Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent and do the first works, or else I will come to you quickly and remove your lampstand from its place—unless you repent.

The Church in Ephisus was very careful to keep itself from false teachers but in their passion for truth, they lost their love for Christ. So they did the right things for the right reasons…but their heart was all wrong.

Ladies this is where we are deceived, but no longer…we have done all the right things for all the right reasons. We have faithfully followed our husbands to meetings, conferences, retreats, you name it, and have hidden in the shadow while he is on display. We have built up walls of resentment toward him because we lost our identity. We did all the things that showed we loved our husbands except actually showed love to our husbands. Wrong heart.

Your husband is NOT your enemy. He is your ally and you, strong woman of God ,are his. The Devil would have you hide because if you are hidden you cannot truly be united. And if you are caged you have no power. He knows the danger of a man and woman who’s hearts are united with the Lord. This doesn’t mean that you have to do everything your husband does if your heart does not burn with the same passion in that area. Give your husband time to take part in his gifting, pray for him, Love him, take genuine interest, but also climb out of the shadows and take some time for you to do what you are passionate about. Invite your husband to take part or to see what it is you do, invite his encouragement. Sharing your gift does not mean you have to have the same gift. It simply is celebrating all that God has made you, and all that God has made him. It is in this that our lamps will shine.

Ladies we have fallen so far back. God knows you. He LOVES you. He has put passions and giftings and callings in each and every one of you. Our world is not meant to be only black and white but a myriad of beautiful, in wonderful arrays of light. Let us escape our self made cages of resentment and remember our first love. We can celebrate our husbands giftings AND celebrate our own. There is a reason God united us to our husbands in the first place. Our giftings compliment each other. Our giftings strengthen each other. Our giftings wrap around and protect each other. Our giftings shine out our personalities. The unified and united us. Our giftings together take us from the farmhouse and put us into a brave, bold new world.

“Come out Come out wherever you are and meet the young lady who fell from a star”
-Glinda

My Grandma

What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories. ~George Eliot

I got word the other night that My Grandma was in the hospital. She had fluid in her lungs and could only use 8%, and there were problems with her kidneys. She would need dialysis (for which she was refusing) and if stayed on the course she was on would be given about 2 weeks of life left. How can so many cold sounding facts make a heart drop so quickly? They sound so numb but they hold so much weight.

My grandma. She is all the wonderfulness that encompasses the word Grandma. Like music. Not just a song but a song accompanied by a symphony. The sweet, the playful, the big builds and soft controlled hush. That is her. Or at least that is her in my life.
My grandma. Granny Goose, Gram Cracker. The one who loves peaches from a can mixed with popcorn for desert, who would have strawberry ice cream with me (we both love strawberry ice cream). She shakes hands with every penny slot she meets. She smiles often. She is every ones biggest fan. Even if you cut her off in traffic she would let you know that you were #1 in her book hahaha. That is her.

The very fabric of my being is woven with threads of memories with her, long talks, lots of laughs, listening to stories of her life and her experiences, laughing at how my grandpa proposed, rides to school that went warp speed with a Hawaiian salute out the window, talking together about her living in the chicken coop, singing the jump on the bed song to all of us, rag curls in the girls hair, putting on shows in the basement that the adults would have to pay a nickel to get into. The house on 17th, all grandmas fight stories…what a tough little thing.

To hear about this sickness dropped a pile of lead into my heart. It’s easy to forget that grandparents are people to. And that people are strong in spirit but the body can be frail.

My grandma is a trooper and after speaking with her today, she sounds great, it put my heart at ease that she wasn’t in any pain and was laughing with me on the phone. I am proud of my grandma. I am blessed that I have her, that I have wonderful memories with her and my children have wonderful memories with her as well. My grandma has lived through many generations. She has seen a lot and experienced life. Not just survival…but life. I hope that by the time I am her age I will have as many wonderful stories and will have imparted so many wonderful things into my children and grandchildren as my grandma has with us.

Pastor Rant = Pants

OK so you know what bums me out? When people don’t go to church on Sundays. Not because of the I have to go check my church card, or cause of the tithe bucket even because it is the right thing to do and God says go…I am being purely selfish here… It bums me out, like really bums me out, when people don’t come to church because I miss seeing them.

I know, I know, that is not very “holy” of me but I told you I was being selfish. You see, I take calls during the week, I go out and meet with people, I offer all of myself in ministering, and Sunday service is when I am ministered to. When I am in worship with my friends it ministers to my heart. When God delivers a message to His hungry kids I am blessed. When I am in an environment that is hungry for the presence of God, not just the “i showed up and punched my card,” but hungry for His presence and tuning our ears to heaven because at any time we know He is going to part the skies and sing over us, like audibly sing! It ministers to me in a way that I can’t explain. I know I am supposed to be ministering to God here and I am. There is just something about connecting to God with my friends around me connecting to the same God that fills me up. That is precious to me. It encourages me that maybe I do have a place in this world and it is with these people. When my friends don’t go I feel shunned from them. It speaks the opposite to me. I don’t have a place in this world and definitely not here.

I know that people are out of town on vacation and stuff like that but when you don’t come because you would rather… fill in the blank. Fish, hike, camp, swim, sit at home and watch TV, stuff you could do ANY other time, whatever, It hurts my feelings. I take it personally. Aside from weekly meetings, counseling, praying for people and all of that I am searching the heart of the father on your behalf looking for a word for you, looking for a blessing for you, or an encouragement or exhortation. Something to inspire and bless your week and give you courage to go out and face what lies ahead. Not only am I doing that for you because I love you. You expect me to do that. So even if you don’t show up for Sundays date with the father I am still expected to be there. I am expected to lay everything down and minister and don’t get me wrong I LOVE what I do, but I would really appreciate that when I need ministering to people would show up. When I need encouragement someone would be there to hold my hand. Like I said purely selfish I know but these are my pants.

While I am here pantsing myself, I also don’t like that Church, that is meeting with the body of believers that God placed me in to worship with and glorify Him with and welcome His presence with and minister to Him with, seems to be a recreational activity to some. I mean really, How would you like it if you had something and needed Gods help and he says “ya know what, I know you want me to minister to you but I would rather go camping instead. What…? This is a life or death situation… oh sorry I’m fishing that weekend and I need some me time. No…I don’t really feel like going to the place you called me to so I can meet with and minister to you today. It’s a holiday, maybe next week.” Or “I know I really need to get back to ministering to you but summer is only so long. I know it’s only a couple of hours on one day out of 7, but when I get to the heart of it you just aren’t my priority.”

God doesn’t turn His back on us maybe I am just feeling some of His hurt so He has someone to hurt with. I don’t know. We ALL have a job in church. Minister to the heart of the father. If you don’t go then we aren’t doing a good job at it and I want to give God the best. I give Him MY best but I want to offer Him THE best and I can’t do it on my own. Ugh! I want to see you there so that when I am having a crappy week your presence, and your smile, and your faith lifts me up and I am encouraged once again by whom God sends and we can minister to Him together. So I have two choices. Stay hurtable and honest, or close off my heart to everyone and become a solo island. I will stay hurtable and probably even stay hurt. I will continue to love people, even when i feel let down. I don’t want my heart to callous to the tenderness of Gods touch and I don’t ever want to be deaf to hearing Him sing over me, audibly sing, even if I am the only one.

Exposed

My Move Story

My Husband, before we moved, was the youth pastor at a church in CO. My husband LOVES the Lord. I mean LOVES!!! With everything he is and has, he loves God. When he first was asked to serve as the youth pastor we were SO excited. He knew his calling was to be in ministry and finally a door opened up.
Ok now fast forward 5 years later. When a person in the family is in ministry, it is expected that the whole family get in ministry. That is NOT the way it has to be…we didn’t know that then. Not only was my husband working normal office hours, but being a youth pastor I don’t think that senior leadership realized that youth pastoring happens outside of “normal” office hours because youth has school. Pile on top of that a man’s own family, and then on top of that, required after hour prayer meetings, required after hour conferences, evangelism outreaches that he was to be in charge of (after hours of course), required after hour…well you get the point. Not a lot of time left for those at home. Being a Pastor is hard.

So being a Pastors wife isn’t always the easiest thing in the world either. I’m just going to be real honest here because I can, and those of you that are Pastors wives or PK’s know what I mean. It’s not the fault of the Pastor. God called them into this type of work, ministry. But there are those people who watch with judgmental eyes waiting for you to mess up. Those with the “well because you are a pastors wife you should…” Man I would really like to tell them what they could do with their “should”, but being a Christian woman I will hold my tongue and lift it up in prayer :). Who are they to judge or tell me what I “should” Look like, speak like, dress like, act like, give me a freakin break! That is called false obligation and you do NOT have to live up to that, or even try to. Ok done with that rant for now.

I have heard it said that the more a man is involved in ministry, the more the woman disappears. Now that is not true in EVERY ministry for sure, but in this one it is, or was I should say, I wouldn’t know now. But that was my experience. So, because the job required so much of my husband and because I am a good wife and backed up my husband, I was working a full time job, and I was working a full time “volunteer job”, and I was a wife, and a mom. Whew! now that is a lot to handle. Not only that, but because of the job requirements of my husband, I was basically a single mom who happened to wear a wedding ring. Under the pressure of it all, the false obligation (you have to look like this…we expect your life to look like this… you can have this, but you can’t have that…) I cracked! My whole personality disappeared. I was a walking corpse. I mean really, I never stopped loving God, but in the whole thing of this eating away at my life, I didn’t know my husband anymore and he didn’t know me, I didn’t even know me! Actually, it wasn’t ok to be the “me” that I was, and I didn’t know how to be anything different. The pressure of raising kids by myself under the watchful demeaning eye of the religious Gestapo was just too much. Everything, the life inside of me, my thoughts and opinions, my spark…it all just died out. I was just animated skin and nothing more. The only thing that gave me life was when I was with my kids and “my kids” the youth group. They knew me and loved me and let me love them and that was all. It was so easy to regenerate there. But even that after 5 years of pouring out and “single parenting” and not living up to the standard of all of the “should’ers” whom my wonderful husband didn’t know, but by default he became one of, I left my husband, and I left ministry.

I am so sad to say it, and so hurt by that time. I left him with the purpose of never looking back at him, or ministry. In my thoughts I was leaving all the “should’ers”. All the expectation that I would never live up to, all the things that we were told had to be laid aside( God didn’t say it people did), All the confusion of feeling guilty for being lonely and angry that ministry was invading my time with my husband, all the not being able to ask questions because I should have already “known”, all the “you of all people should…” Leaving behind all the demeaning remarks for who I wasn’t, leaving it all behind, to walk into whatever hope there was of resurfacing the person under the burden of all of that crap. That is a whole other story in and of itself which I will get into one day which will include the wonderful people who reached in and pulled me out of the pile of crap that was laid upon me, and showed me Jesus…the real Jesus not the fake rule book one that held me prisoner for so long.

My husband is a Great Pastor. He is a Great Preacher too. One of the other things he is great at and is a hobby of his is fighting. He is an amazing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu fighter. But the fight to win me back was the fight of his life. Never has he had to fight with such force and never will he face another fight like that one. I won’t get into the details of that time, that is for me and my husband, but I will say that he won the fight, and I am wholeheartedly his, now and forever. Now for us and our marriage this was great and miraculous. God resurrected our marriage from death. He restored our union, and gave us new ground to stand on. We were free from religion and false obligation. But remember…there are still the “should’ers” that were at my husband’s workplace that were not on board with this whole thing. So what did we do? We prayed…hard. We cried out to God to deliver us out of that place and if it meant we quit ministry than we sadly would have, but, we cried, God if ministry is where you have truly called us let us work together in it and we will again try it, but this time honestly, Not with man’s law and ways but with your guidance, word, and love of people. And awesome God opened up a door for us.

When we moved from Co. I was super nervous. We had a house to sell in a down market. We had about a week before our kids would start school and I knew NOTHING about the school system, and I was leaving my family who had been my rock. My whole everything was connected to having family close by. And I was moving. We sold what we could and packed up the rest and moved into a host home. Our stuff is in a 2 car garage that they were so kind to offer us so we wouldn’t have to rent storage and here we would live until our house sold. Not only that but we were leaving that ministry and entering another with “church hurt”. To those that have had a church hurt you know how painful it is, and how incredibly scary it is to go back into the possibility of it. But if we are not hurtable how can we truly offer our whole hearts and honestly Love? That is another thing for another time also… But it was petrifying to face the possibility of another hurt like that.

When we were first hired into ministry (this was back in CO) we were told that we couldn’t have friends because friends wouldn’t respect our position as pastor. So we lived by that (which fed into my lonely times which were many). Well moving into a host home was incredibly scary as we were VERY private people. But the Wilders welcomed us in with open arms. Our house still hasn’t sold and it is almost a year later. We are still at the Wilders. Our stuff is still packed up in the garage. It has been hard to break the habit of not letting people close, but they have been so patient with us as we cautiously let them into our hearts and into our hurts. They were like a healing balm to us. They give us covering both physically and spiritually, They feed us both physically and spiritually. When Bart teaches my spirit feasts just like my mouth does when he smokes chicken YUM! And my talks with Barb not only help to sharpen my prophetic view, but also encourage and help build me into the woman that God is creating in me. It is EXCITING! I have never been this exposed or this excited in my life. It is both terrifying and liberating! We have made so many friends and it is wonderful. In fact I went out and did Kareoke with some of them this weekend and had a blast!

I love my life. God has used my own experiences in my hard times to help in ministering to others who are going through them ( Disclaimer- God did NOT make that time happen as he is NOT a child abuser, but He will not waste it either. I am willing to be exposed and let Him use it for His glory and He does. That is all.) And finding freedom in passing on living up to expectation of people, but rising up to what God has created in them.

My Husband is now a Sr. Pastor and we LOVE the place and People God has delivered us into. We walk out this life together with only His word as direction, no false obligation. We are fierce fighters against religion, and fierce fighters for relationship with Jesus. Our kids are growing healthy, happier and more free than I have ever seen them. God is so good!

So this move for me has been exposing, correcting, sharpening, liberating, loving, and probably the hardest and best thing I have ever been called on to do. When God calls he makes a way. The way may not always look like we think it is going to or want it to. But Gods way is the way that is going to call out the very essence of your entire being and call you to live in a way that honors the “you” that He created you to be. And by honoring the “you” you also Honor the God that created you.

I encourage you to live God’s way. Not the bound up path people tell you is God’s way, but get to know Him yourself and live for and with Him. He will change your life for the better. He will put the pieces into your life that you think are missing and guide you into a fulfilling existence. He will not shame or use shame to make you think one way or another, that is man’s tactic. God will love you with the most overwhelming love that you never knew you always wanted. God is Love. If you have experienced church hurt, than I encourage you to get in front of God and ask Him to guide you to a safe place to heal and a safe place to worship. Ask Him to lead you to a body of believers that will accept you and love you. Not love you despite your mistakes or habits or whatever, but including them! with the freedon to just love like God, to just love like Jesus, and to live in the power of the Holy Spirit!