It’s almost 1 am. 10 till. I am wide awake. It’s not that I
can’t figure out why I’m awake. I am awake because BOTH my kids are gone.
Baby girl is at her friends house spending the night. All
the cheerleaders are hanging out tonight practicing cheers and just being a
squad before their first game that they get to cheer tomorrow.
Boy child is at his friends house sleeping over because it’s
his friends 13th birthday. We got him a Nerf gun. I am told you are
NEVER too old to own them.
There are two big firsts for my kids
tomorrow for baby girl it’s her first high school game to cheer at. I have to
miss it because before I knew there was a game I volunteered to work and it’s
not like I can go back on that. There are a lot of people depending on me that
put a lot of time, effort, and money into the event that I’ve been invited and
am humbled and honored that they would trust me to MC.
This is a stake in the
ground for the Kingdom of God and a first ever attempt to reach the city in
this manor where churches have combined forces to reach the city, gather
together in agreement of SOMETHING, and give what we are. It’s a music festival
and I pray it goes well. We, as a church body of Casper, Wy., are acting in
agreement toward a cause. It’s in those times that God shows up. Yeah, I read
the book of acts. I have been called on to be a part of it in one of my unique
giftings. Stirring up energy and being a ball of energy for people to feed
from.
Boy child is on his own for getting himself home from a long distance
away. I took him there but since the party ends later in the afternoon. He has
requested that he be able to stay at the house and then ride his bike home.
There are a couple of huge hills that he has to ride down and I don’t fully
trust the brakes on his bike. Basically they suck...bad. Last summer he was riding fast down a steep hill
on a skateboard had an accident and tore off his fingernail and scraped up his had pretty good. It was more aweful
than it sounds. If you have ever had this injury you know. If you are the
mother of a child you understand the way it affects you to see your child in
real pain. I also do not trust his sense of direction. He is like me in that
department. He has to cross a busy highway street which totally petrifies me
(even though there is a button that you can push and the walk signal comes on).
This is first time he is going to come such a long distance on his bike by
himself. It’s kind of a long way home. Maybe a few miles (including the
shortcuts). I am nervous because I am
not going to be home to make sure he got home safely and unscathed. If he
doesn’t come home in a timely manor I can not get in my car and go look for
him. I won't even know. There is nothing I can do about it.
I can’t call in to
this job,or not show up. I have accepted an offer to be part of this thing
which is much bigger than just myself. I feel guilty because I will miss my
daughters first game. I will not be able to pick up my son and he has to take a
long ride home which is potentially pretty dangerous. The only choice that I
have to be there for my kids is to NOT show up for this work, but I have given
my word. If I didn’t show up it would be to be a good mom right? to support my
kids, to make sure that they stay safe on my watch.
But still I feel a stirring inside me that tears me apart
and I want to ignore but can’t. It tells me to just trust God with the outcome.
I am learning that I am not comfortable in insecurity. I get insecure when i am not in control. Especially with my family. I need to
know exactly where the kids are, I need to be right there beside them walking
through things with them, I need to know that they are ok. How can I be a
good mom and not be or do those things? Well this is tough. God has told me to
trust Him, He has proven Himself trustworthy over and over and over. Now, with
what is most precious to me, I am being asked again to trust Him. Not trust Him
after the fact, but before I physically see any results. Hmmm isn’t that what
faith is? Calling things that aren’t as
though they are. Believing in what I haven’t seen? So here I am it’s 10 past 1
A.M. I feel like a kindergartener on my first day of school. Nervously holding
Father God’s hand but excited at the same to see what happens. I know God loves
my kids more than I do. I will pray that he cheers the loudest for my daughter
and supports her and she can hear it from the inside out and know that I am
sending her my love and support, I will trust that God will direct my son and
make his brakes on his bike work and get him from his friends house to our
house safely, and my son will be proud of himself and trust in his ability to
navigate. He will take another small step into young manhood. He has already
taken so many. I will understand that he can’t take those steps with his mom
walking him through it. These are steps he must listen to the guiding of his
dad and then take on his own. Holy Spirit will walk boy child through it. My
husband and I have done our best in teaching our children how to hear His voice
and then obey quickly.
I will Trust God in this. It hurts because of what I can’t
be, but in order for my kids to grow into what God wants them to be I have to
step out of the way and give Him control. So with nervous energy, and a lump in
my heart I give God control of tomorrow/today/forever (even though I may need
to be reminded from time to time). I will go where I have been called, and, allow
my children to grow beyond my apron strings and into the covering of their own walk with God.
